Another low day

After a night where I swore I was going into labor, here I am, not in labor. No baby. Which is fine, too. I have much to do tomorrow.

C has a field trip.  Her new bed is also being delivered. E has a football game. My parents can't help tomorrow,  either, so D is covering the furniture delivery, while I go on the field trip.

I just feel low and pissed off at the world right now.

I'm annoyed at laundry, chores, and the new army of ants invading our kitchen. I'm annoyed by the kids' complaining and fighting. I'm annoyed that the most time I've spent alone with D today was for 20 seconds after the kids were in bed, and he was racing down the stairs, seemingly to get away from my annoyed ass and get get dessert.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

It will get better, right?

How this really feels

Antepartum depression.  I'm coming to terms with what I really believe I have. And what I hope I have, because I have to believe that this will get better after the baby comes.

So, how this really feels. I feel like I'm in a dream, a bad, bad dream, that I have to wake up from. It has to get better.

I feel so detached from the baby, although ironically this is the most attached I'll ever be to the baby.

I can remember a time before she was conceived,  when I wanted her. I wanted this #4 so badly. Now it feels like I want it all to go away.

It will be better. It has to be. She will be beautiful. I look at all my kids with wonder and amazement.  I still don't know how they really came to be. Maybe I've always been blind to it, maybe I've forgotten it. Pregnancy sucks.

More sinking

Just further sinking into the hole of depression.

Today is a bad day, for no other reason than I feel like I'm not connecting with D right now. He's sick, but also in the midst of schoolwork, so after dinner, he started the bedtime process with the kids, and I finished when he had to get to the books. So, I put the kids to bed, and went to bed myself.

Nevermind that I woke up feeling like I was going to barf in the middle of the night because my reflux was so bad. Must remember to take Zantac before bed.

I don't know how people just function. How do they live life? How do you get through the day, everyday, at all?

Small gestures on D's part could at least help me feel like we're beginning to connect again, but I can't say it's going to take the sadness and apathy away. How do I smile again?

Another month or so - hopefully less - before the baby arrives. I hope that will make it better.

School days...

Now that J and E are in school full time, I struggle to function. What else is new? They're home, I struggle. They're gone, I struggle.

I miss E like crazy. J, too, but I've had two years to get used to her being gone all day. I want to wrap E in my own bubble and keep him with me forever. I'm going to need serious help when C goes to school full time. She starts preschool tomorrow.

I could spend all day in a daze. I need my new normal of four kids to just get here already. Then it will be the struggle of four.

I'm achy. I have heartburn. 33 weeks now. Hoping for sooner than 40. Really hoping for 36. September baby wouldn't be so bad.

I hate that since April 1, this is my new normal. The depressed, can't function, normal. My kids deserve better than a mom who doesn't want to leave the house. Or one who takes all day just to be prepared to leave the house. Then who is too exhausted when we return that I just veg the rest of the day, with no plans for lunch or dinner. At least school forces me to pack lunch for two of them.

But, the good times: C and I had a Frozen sing-a-long this morning. It was awesome. She pulled up a chair and we sang every song twice while I got some other stuff done on the computer. She snuggled up to me and we sang. That was amazing.

Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

In so many ways, I feel like I'm losing friends. Not the ones that really matter. And I do think I'm making some new amazing friends, which is always good.

But the exhaustion of keeping up with some people is getting overwhelming. I don't know how to keep it all going, without losing more people. I know I'm kind of doing this to myself, and after a summer of vacations and recovery, I feel so far removed and out of touch with people that I should have not been.

School schedules start next week. I'm filled with worry for my kids starting the new school year. I'm filled with activities that all start shortly. Soccer, football, scouts. Seems like Monday through Thursday are booked solid for the fall.

Somewhere in there, I'll be having a baby. What the hell? I'm sure I'll manage...somehow. And this being the last week before school, I'm almost mad at myself for booking myself solid with activities this week. I should be focused on just how I'm going to manage a shower and to get the kids dressed on a daily basis. Oh, because D is out of town as well.

Today I had each kid pick and watch a movie. This may be the last time I can do that, and not worry about where I have to be later that day.

*sigh* The kids are being crazy. I'm almost looking forward to the school craziness.